The Four S's...School....Surgeries...Suffering...Sovereignty

December 4, 2013

It's been almost 4 months already since my last surgery! Time has flown by! I'm down at Biola and I'm loving it. The school is amazing, the classes are great, and the atmosphere of the people is overall pretty awesome! I've made some great friends and life is going well!

School:
I walked into college hoping for a "fresh" start. That may be the cliche phrase whenever people move onto new schools or new locations. They're looking for their next big break and fresh start. I was hoping for a fresh start to redefine myself, or a chance to define myself on my own. I've learned pretty quick that college is a place for really growing and learning who I am myself. It's a time for me to take ownership for decisions and see where they take me. I can succeed or fail, but when I fail I can learn from that. I wanted this fresh start to define me outside of my surgeries. That may seem silly to say, but I wanted to become Katie with out the history of surgeries. I know I couldn't erase my past and that's not what I wanted. I simply wanted to define myself because of the things I chose to do, not because of the circumstances I was put into and had to overcome. Until this part of my life my image has been built off of the girl with the cleft lip and palate. I know people see me as much more than just me and my physical difference. Many people see me as the character and personality I've grown into. I feel when many people see me they see me as someone who has overcome a lot. Someone who's strong, brave, and courageous. I've been defined that way because of the difficulties in my life that I had to make it through. You see, I had to make it through all those surgeries. Well I suppose I didn't have to, but as a Christian I couldn't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I had to overcome the obstacles that God put in my way. If I just sat and complained and felt sorry for myself I wouldn't be the creation God intended me to be. I'm called to use my life to glorify Him, and I couldn't do that if I make the worst out of what He had given me. So I had to overcome and out of that, the image of myself and a lot of the perception of myself stems from my story of overcoming a situation I was given and did not choose. I'm incredibly thankful for my journey, and I wouldn't change it for anything, but coming to Biola was a time for me to create a new image of myself to a brand new audience of people who knew none of my history.

Surgeries: 
My goal with my surgeries was to be completely finished before walking into college. My family and I achieved this goal for the most part, as in we got all the big and necessary surgeries done before I started my freshman year of college. I wanted to be completed with surgeries before starting with college because I didn't want to have the hassle of surgeries during this next phase of life. I wanted to move forward and not see definite surgeries in the future. I wanted to finally live a little bit of life free of major doctors appointments and surgeries after 15 years of doing all that stuff. But I guess I was asking for "too much"...

It's been nearly 4 months since my last surgery and I'm healing slowly overtime. It's expected my nose will take a year to fully heal and become set into place. It's only been 4 months and it's already looking pretty great! You can see over time over the 4 months since my surgery my nose change slowly over time. The most definite change I've seen is the beginning of my bridge between my eyes has become more narrow and more defined. The tip of my nose has also become less swollen and more shaped around the cartilage. It's morphing and changing to it's final product...slowly. The change reminds me of aging, over a larger span of time it's noticeable, but day by day you can't really see it happening. It's coming along!

 

End of August

Very beginning of october

End of October

Near the end of November

Suffering:
The dictionary definition of suffering is as follows: "the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship"...

Since June I have undergone quite a bit of pain due to my surgeries. I was looking forward to letting that part of my life go when walking into college, no more surgeries for a year or however long I want to wait to have another (if I want to do more). I was expecting slight discomfort because of the changing of my nose, but I wasn't expecting much more than that.

I had the full piece of rib cartilage and a half of another one taken out of my body in June. It was an expected 6 weeks until I would be recovered from that where I could breathe without a lot of pain or be able to sit up by myself or lay down on my own. But since then I still have to deal with discomfort  of my ribs. It's been nearly 6 months since that surgery and I still "suffer" from the effects of having rib cartilage removed. I sometimes find myself after sitting for a few hours working on homework for school or just a long amount of time in classes when I stand everything surrounding the area where the rib was removed is tight and sore to move around. I can't easily stand up and start moving, I have to be ready to stretch it out and then get moving. Some positions of just daily living can be uncomfortable because my body is taking its time to recover and fully heal. Some days it can be really frustrating and discouraging.

In addition to my rib cartilage I've had recurring headaches for the last month or so every single day. They come on in the afternoon and last anywhere from 4-6 hours. The headaches can be so strong that functioning within classes can be extremely difficult. My mom and I are thinking it's due to all the medications, anesthesia, and stresses of surgeries that are part of the cause of my headaches. Also my nose is changing too which could be causing them too. But the headaches come in during the day and make functioning through the day a little difficult.

Early October I found out I had another ear infection from surgeries, and it's a common cause that kids with cleft lip and palates have ear, nose and throat problems. I have definitely had a fair share of ear infections in my day. I saw a doctor down here to check out my ear and it turns out I have not one, but two holes in my ear drums. One hole in each ear, which has caused my hearing to decrease. The doctors prediction was that I have mild to moderate hearing loss and the more I choose to swim or have water drain into my ear the more my hearing will decrease. Bummer.

I'm not writing this to complain to you, I'm writing this to say that even with the hopes that I could let go of all my surgeries and escape to a place I could live without suffering and without that part of the past, it wasn't part of the plan. I have a very wise friend I've met down here who said something that stood out the most: that in the midst of everything "God is Sovereign"

Sovereignty:
I'm reading this great book right now, "Surprised by Suffering", for one of my classes but it has such wise lessons. One of the verses in it was 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, "we are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed- always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body" Although I may be going through a lot right now, I'm not "destroyed". God is sovereign and He knows exactly what He is doing with me. 

I wish I could say I have had this great faith through these last 4 months, but truth is, even though I go to a Bible university, I have faith that can be doubting. Some days, when a lot of things around me feel like they're collapsing and relationships are falling, and pain is taking me from enjoying the day, and grades are slipping; I doubt the very existence of God. I don't think it's wrong to doubt, I think it's part of the process of gaining a stronger faith. It becomes a problem when the doubting becomes the faith, where I never pick myself up and come to the conclusion that God does not exist. That becomes the problem. But I am so blessed to have such a surrounding of people who are uprooted in Christ and can pour words of wisdom and guide me back onto the path. Sometimes it seems like it's a Christian fall back to just say "God's in control" when we lose control or feel like we have lost complete control, but I think in those times when we lose our control, God can finally take control and we can find him in the mess of things. 

In the midst of all the pain and stress, God is sovereign. 

So...
In the end, I've realized I can't outrun or escape the me that was created and built from my cleft lip and palate. Because if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be a Scheel, I wouldn't live here, I wouldn't be attending a private Christian University, I wouldn't be learning more about God or necessarily even know about Him, and I wouldn't be surrounded by such amazing family and friends. Who I have become in Christ, wouldn't be me if I hadn't been born with a cleft lip and palate. Through all the "suffering" and trials that have come out of that my identity was found and placed in Christ. That identity is the only identity that truly matters. All the "good" I can do is because of the good work God has done in me. All credit of my character and actions that I choose do whether it is apart or separate from my surgeries ultimately should all point back to God, not me. So that idea to create a new me, or create a me separate from how God created me to be isn't bringing glory to God the way He has intended it to be since the day of birth. As my 6 word story says, "Loved, Given Away, God's Plan, Adopted" This is all God's plan, every joy and pain that comes along.

January: 
I have a check up with my plastic surgeon in January to see how progress is with my nose so far, hopefully everything will be as he was hoping if not better! I'll post again after I hear the results! Thank you for taking time to read this and continue to be apart of my journey, or just now stepping in to be apart of it. 

-Katie
1 Peter 4:12-13
"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy"