Fear...Surgery #11, 3 days away!

Fear: (n) an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)
Fear: (v) be afraid or scared of

Fear or afraid...that's how I've felt the past couple weeks in anticipation for my upcoming surgery in 3 days! When people would ask me how I am feeling about an upcoming surgery usually I would say just "great" or "excited to get it over with" or "it's just one of those things I have to do". Though all of those statements are completely accurate there's something about admitting to be afraid of something like this that almost makes me feel weak or that I have little faith in the great God I serve. 

This surgery is going to be #11 and it's going to be another bigger one. You see a year ago I was looking at a surgery similar to this thinking we are on our way! Making great strides! Little did we know that a year later we would be facing this surgery once again but with a little twist to it since the last one didn't work. As I wrote in my last post this surgery is using cadaver bone powder, my own hip bone, and bone morphogenetic protein (BMP) to create another "bone pudding" to be put into another titanium mesh screen and screwed back into my up jaw for the next 4-5 months! So I look at this surgery and the steps involved and I think to myself "great, it's another surgery I gotta get through! It's good to be back on track again and making progress" 
I got asked by an adult last week "How do you feel about this upcoming surgery?" I simply replied "good, just another one of those things I got to get through" Like many who have heard my story and journey they tell me I am a brave girl but this strength and bravery to get through it is all coming from "Christ who strengthens me", God equips me with what I need and only gives me as much as he knows that I can handle. 
But despite what I know in my heart and what I have been taught there's the human emotions and feelings that come through, fear. 
I have this guy in my life who is my absolute best friend and who's been able to walk through this stuff with me in the past 2 years. He's kinda new on board compared to the rest of my family and the friends that have grown up with me personally through this all but hes one of those guys who is always so encouraging, uplifting and positive. He's the one who made me realize through talking out the failures of the last surgery with him that I am truly afraid of this next one. But it took me a while to finally come out and admit that I am afraid.
I am afraid of this surgery failing again.
I am afraid of my body not accepting new bone.
I am afraid of the IV
I am afraid of waking up in the middle of the surgery 
I am afraid of the pain of my hip after the last hip bone graft I had.
I am afraid of what could happen if something goes wrong.
I am afraid of how much money could essentially be wasted if this doesn't work again 
I am afraid. 

I always felt that if I admit that I am afraid for a surgery it portrays me as weak or that I am no longer strong about this. That the minute I say I am afraid I lost the strength and courage for everyone else who is here to support me. I felt that I couldn't be afraid of these surgeries since I've gone through them since I was a young girl and it's just always been apart of my journey and story. I have to be the strength and pillar to hold this up, but I was wrong. I can't be the strength and courage for myself, I'm human and with that comes fear and weakness but the great thing is is that I have a God on my side who will be there for me through everything!  If I give him my fears and worries he will become my strength and my courage to get through it all. I can't do it on my own :) 

So fear I believe is ok to admit. It's a response to a situations in life but how we deal with it I think is important. So when I got asked the other night by another adult about how I am feeling about this next surgery I said with no hesitation that I  am afraid but that I am excited to move forward. 

On June 19th at 1pm I will be going into my 11th surgery with strength and bravery that God has equipped me with and I will no longer need to be afraid because I will be at peace since I know that God is with me.

So what are you afraid of today? And how will you over come this fear?

Fear: Psalm 91:5&9- "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day...If you say, "The lord is my refuge," and you make the Most High your dwelling"