A Little Faith...Surgery #12

Wow, this surgery #12 showed me the true power of my God I believe in! And I would LOVE to tell you why! So keep on reading :)

Review: A little over a year ago my mom and I found out that my first bone graft failed and I all my hope felt like it had been sucked out of me. Since then I went through another surgery in June of 2012 to do another bone graft, but a little different process.

Then in October, I went in for a CT scan to see how the bone had grown and my doctor said there was as much bone as I could possibly grow, but not quite enough. Like always, my doctor's brilliance came up with a back up plan. Dr. Dierks said he could take a piece of my lower jaw bone and screw it into the upper jaw to fill in the space. This would be a 2-3 month recovery to get me back to fully opening my jaw, and in 7-10 years the bone would he would remove would be fully grown back into place. Everything sounded good, after all it was an option I had to take if I wanted to move forward. That or my bone had 3 weeks to grow more... (have a little faith).

The piece planned to take from the lower jaw to put into my upper jaw

On November 4th I went up to Legacy Emanuel once again with my mom (the greatest and strongest mom I know :)). My surgery got pushed back to 9:30 but we still had to be there by 7:30! Early morning for us! We got there and I got all prepped for surgery. I can handle everything about a surgery except the IV. That is the worst part for me, luckily last time after the first attempt the nurse allowed us to have the anesthesiologist put it in while I was asleep. This time we remembered this and requested that before any attempts. So it was a pretty relaxing start. At Legacy Emanuel they have a chaplain who goes around to pray with different patients that request it, this time we didn't request to have one since my mom and dad both prayed me up before my surgery...but nonetheless a chaplain came in. It wasn't until later that we found out that Dr. Dierks likes to have the chaplain pray with his patients because for some reason whenever he prays over Dr. Dierks's patients the surgeries always go better ;)

We got into the pre-op room where all the different doctors and nurses came in to introduce themselves and go over surgery procedure and make sure I understand everything. Dr. Dierks came in and said that he had 3 plans, 1st plan was if in a perfect world then I would have enough bone and he could go in and place 3-5 dental implant bases into my upper jaw, plan 2 assuming there wasn't enough bone he would take the piece from my lower jaw as well as remove my lower wisdom teeth and scrape the bone from the sockets of my wisdom teeth and screw it all into my upper jaw. Plan 3 wasn't exactly a plan but more of just if for some reason both of those plans didn't work or there wasn't enough bone around then he would just have to make something up as he went along. After that I was taken into the O.R. where I was hooked up to different monitors and was soon put out by a gas mask. My surgery was blocked out for 3 hours due to all the steps of removing and placing bone and implants into different locations.

After an hour and a half or so my doctor came out to my mom to tell her how the surgery went. My mom was taken by surprise by how fast it was. Dr. Dierks came back with news we weren't expecting at all! It turned out that within the last few weeks before my surgery more bone grew and I didn't have to go through getting bone grafted from more places. Some would say that was lucky but I say and believe it was a miracle. Since I had just enough bone to put the bases in my doctor placed 3 into my jaw. I didn't have enough to fully support 5 so he did the minimal of 3.

I was still in the post op room while all this was happening and it took me quite a while to wake up. I started to come to and they had an oxygen mask on my face and then I fell back asleep again and later I had the oxygen tubes that go up the nose. It was a little uncomfortable but for the first time I was super itchy. Turns out it had to do with the hospital gown and how clean they make them. The nurse gave me benadryl to help with the itching but the side effect was putting me back to sleep...this went on for a while and my mom had to try to get me to wake up but I was super cranky and didn't want to wake up. We eventually got out of there and the nurses after seeing our history there let us do our own thing and not have to follow all the checklist items before they discharged me. We were on the road to home by that afternoon!

We didn't get many pictures this surgery but my mom thought it would be funny to put the oxygen mask on my bear :) This is Jojo and he goes to every surgery with me. He is my most favorite bear! 

Since then I have recovered very fast and I am on a very soft food diet until March when I will hopefully have another surgery to place the teeth. Until then my prayer request is that my body will accept the metal implants. Often the bone will reject the implants and that is where this step could fail. So we are praying that it doesn't! I go in to the doctor's office on November 20th to do a check up and remove the remaining sutchers in my mouth. Hopefully then everything will look great!

Within a year and half I have learned what it truly means to have faith. To have faith doesn't mean to rely on God and trust in Him when everything in life is going your way or when everything is falling into place, but to have faith is to rely on God and trust Him when things are falling a part. When times are hard, and trusting seems like the hardest thing to do, because it is. Having faith also can be taken advantage of, you can become so relaxed in just believing everything will fall into place that when it doesn't the world seems as if it just blew up in your face. That was me in 2011. I became so comfortable that all my surgeries would continue to go as I always planned them in my head, and then God threw a curve ball. Totally legal play but I wasn't expecting it and I didn't want it, and instead of taking it I broke down and gave up. Looking back to it all now I'm glad it happened, well not that I was set back in months for being done but that I was able to learn a huge lesson.

In the 2 weeks prior to my surgery nearly every day there was either a verse or a song that came up about faith. It was as if God was telling me every day just to have faith in Him to fully FULLY trust in Him. Finally I understood and I did it. I fully trusted him, at that same time little did I know the bone in my jaw was growing. Growing enough to make the upcoming surgery that much less invasive. In a perfect world there would be enough bone, but in my world with a little bit of faith there would be enough bone.

Matthew 17:20... "Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Throughout the day remember to have a little faith, you never know far it will take you.

Check Up- Pre-Op Surgery 12

What a journey it has been! Though these last 4 months have been a little slow for me as for surgeries and my journey towards the finish. I had my most recent surgery last June when my doctor tried another way to grow jaw bone into my upper jaw. Since the surgery before that wasn't successful he took 3 core samples of my right hip bone (illiac crest) and added that bone to cadavar bone (someone else's bone) as well as a bone morphogenetic protein to enhance the bone growth. From June I had 4 months to grow as much bone as I could to see if I could grow enough to move on.

On October 12th I went in to see my doctor because lately the bone and mesh screen growing through my gum tissue once again and causing pain and discomfort. We also hadn't had a chance to do a check up on the bone so it was a good appointment to have all around! I got to have a CT scan of my face to see where the bone was growing or wasn't growing. I'll admit, I was really afraid down in the pit of my stomach of what this scan could say. After last year when my mom and I went in for an appointment just like this we left with such disappointing news of the bone graft failing.

The news of this scan was overall good with a minor disappointment, but not enough to ruin anything. My doctor had my mom and I to follow him to the computer screens to see the results of the scan, we looked at my mouth and saw majority of the bone had grown, there was just one location that he had a minor concern about. But Dr. Dierks had a solution to the problem which would allow us to move forward. In this next surgery, which is scheduled for November 6th at 7:30am, my doctor is going to remove a piece of my lower jaw bone to then graft to my upper jaw where the bone is a bit thin. The piece he is taking is called the Coronoid Process. It a small, thin piece of bone that connects the lower jaw to the muscle that allows you to chew. So if you were to flex your jaw as if you were chewing something you would be able to feel the muscle on the side of your head coming down to jaw. Somewhere in there the coronoid process is located :) I can live without this piece and hopefully in 10 years it will be fully regrown! It is said to be a 2-3 month recovery for me to be back to opening my jaw completely, good thing I don't just walk around with my mouth gaping open :) This piece of bone will act like a "venire" as my doctor compared it, it will just be a thin piece of bone that will be screwed onto my upper jaw and eventually grow into it. While my doctor does all this, he will also put in the bases of teeth implants. The moment I've been waiting so long far!

Diagram of where the bone will be removed from my actual jaw!

It's been almost surreal to realize the end of my surgeries are so near. Once this surgery passes I could have 1 or 2 more surgeries left, possibly 3 depending on how this step all works out! After 15 years of working to reconstruct my mouth and nose, the end doesn't seem possible! It really is hard to imagine once again that this year could be last through this journey, after last year at this time I was thinking the same thing, but God had a plan and he made it clear to me that his "ways are higher than my ways" (Isaiah 55:9).

The time leading up to this surgery has given me a lot of time to be afraid of this next step. In my previous blogs I talked about how fear is not something to be afraid to admit and this time I felt fear within me at its strongest. I think that this fear came from the emotional wear within me as I have to mentally prepare myself for another big surgery and all the effects it has on me physically. But truly God is good through all this. These past 2 weeks I have felt him at his nearest, while fear was its strongest. It was a battle within me of two great powers. But God is greater than fear because fear is of the world and as I heard from someone the verse John 16:33 "... In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Every where I turn I am constantly reminded of His presence and constantly reminded not to fear. :) 

This next surgery will be hard, but not impossible. Never impossible. As some would say "it'll come and go like a blink of an eye" and it truly will! I would love to ask everyone to please pray for me Tuesday, November 6th as I will be entering into my 12th surgery. Please pray that the doctor will have a peace of mind and know exactly what needs to be done. That the surgery will go smoothly as well as the recovery for me! Thank you all for taking time to read this and be apart of my journey! God has truly blessed me with great support and loving friends and family! You are all such a wonderful blessing to me! :)

Genesis 12:3
I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

Surgery #11- June 19, 2012

          On June 19th I went in for my 11th surgery! The usual team of my dad, mom and I left Salem at about 9:45am we had to be there at 11 to check in 2 hours prior to my scheduled surgery at 1pm. We got a call saying that I got to be in the new Randalls Children's Hospital at Legacy! They built a new section for youth ages 0-18. Originally it was 0-13 then 13+ was in the adult section. I got to
experience both since I had gone through 10 previous surgeries since I was 2. I
was pretty excited to be in a new building! We got there right on time! The
building was amazing! So colorful and inviting. It wasnt like most hospitals
where it smells and looks sterile, this was very clean but almost a home away
from home feel. We went down to the lower floor where I was to be checked in and
we went through everything and I got taken into my room with my mom. It was so
cool! They had this touch screen that was used to watch tv, movies or play on
the Internet!

Welcome booth!

          Served to be pretty great once we heard my surgery got pushed back
to 3:30pm. My doctor had an emergency surgery that took precedent over mine so I
got pushed back to 3:30. We also heard that he blocked out 4 hours for my
surgery! So estimating the time we guessed I wouldn't be out of recovery till
around 8:30ish that night! Long day at the hospital! My mom and dad switched out
taking turns of waiting with me and taking breaks and doing things outside of
the hospital.

Before surgery!

The team, we all got our matching wrist bands!

           It finally came time to do the one thing I feared the most, the IV. The nurses
are supposed to try atleast 2 times before getting a trained nurse to put it in
or to have the IV put in while the patient is asleep. So the nurse tried to find
a good vain,  thought she found and one and put the needle in. She got it in but
wasn't able to thread it into my vain all the way.  That's when the anxiety
kicked in. She tried to pull it out a little and try again but it was causing
pain and I phsyched myself out. I started crying and gettin really anxious.
That's when my mom told the nurse to call it quits. She told her not to try
again and just to have me get the IV in once I was out. I had hit my max.
I then sat there for another hour or so.
           I met a couple residents studying under my doctor, Dr.Dierks. He talked over the procedure with me, he said that if there wasn't enough bone in my first hip they take out of then they may have to take from both. He initialed my hips and went on. My mom came back and swapped
with my dad and my mom and I took a walk around the hospital floor. It ended up
being 3 when some nurses came in and said my doctor was finished and that they
were going to take me earlier than planned to the pre-op room. There I met with
my anasthetiologist, Dr.Hughes, and he was awesome! He was probably the youngest
anasthetiologists I have had, and he was very interactive with us! I request an anti-nausea patch to be put on behind my ear before surgeries because in the past I have thrown up from the anastethia. So he got one for me but dropped it while trying to get it out and he says "and that is why I am not the surgeon" :) He was fun but most certainly knew what he was doing later as it proved that the dozes he did was just the right amount! I met with my doctor, more residents and OR nurses! My doctor
decided to add in another piece to my surgery, if necessary he was going to take
out 2 pieces of my lower jaw bone the size pf his thumb nail and add that to the
bond graft as well! Finally at about 4 it was time to be taken to the OR. Since
           I didn't have my IV in yet they had to put me out with gas. They used this
laughing gas as they call it that was said to smell like Barbie plastic but it
really didn't haha it just smelt bad! Then they used this heavy stuff that smelt
like acrylic nails and then I was out!
          I woke up a few hours later in the post-op. I woke up really easily and came out of everything really smoothly! Probably one of the best recoveries I have gone through out of 11 surgeries!

Me right after my surgery! We were amazed at how little swelling I had coming out

My hip right after my surgery!

          Since my surgery was pushed back later they scheduled me to stay over night at the hospital, but they said we had the choice whether to stay or not. I was taken to the 8th floor of the new hospital building, one nurse called it the "pent house suite" of the hospital haha. The room was big, open, and welcoming, they had a couch that pulled out into a bed for someone to stay over with the patient. The doors were made from bamboo and the private bathroom was so nice!

           My surgery only ended up being 2 and a half hours long rather than 4 hours! Dr.Dierks told my parents that the surgery went great! They ended up only needing to take bone from my right hip since I had a lot of really good bone in there. He didn't need to graft bone from my lower jaw either! Praise God for making this surgery be as easy as possible! I was determined not to stay over night at the hospital, I love waking up in my own bed and in my own room the next day after a surgery! So the nurses checked my vital signs a couple times and I made it the goal that the next vital signs check at 9:20 would be my last and we would get ready to go! Around 9:45 or so I was set to head home! The nurses sent me off with an anti-nausea patch, anti-nausea med, morphine, an anti-inflammatory med, and oxycodone all so I was well covered for the ride home! I was pretty out of it once I hit my bed later that night!
          My recovery from there was incredibly fast! I was told that this surgery would cause me to have a lot of swelling for 1-2 weeks and that my hip would be sore but not as bad as my last hip bone graft. Well, I was only swollen for about 4 days, and I was off crutches by the 5 day! Today is day 8 and I got my retainer back in, my swelling is completely gone, and I'm walking mostly like a normal person with a few aches and pains depending on what I am doing! Remarkable recovery!

My hip a week later once we removed all the stuff covering it

             I saw my doctor today for a follow up, unfortunately the power had just gone out when we got there so we had to take the stairs up to the 3rd floor! That wasn't exactly what you call fun after a bone graft from the hip but it wasn't impossible! Dr. Dierks looked into my mouth and said everything looked how it was supposed to. We were going to do an xray of my mouth but since the power was out we were not able to do so. The next step is looking at a surgery sometime in December or January to do the next step of putting the actual dental implant bases into the new bone! Last year the set back was that the bone didn't grow enough, but it's a new year and anything is possible!!
           Thank you to all who have been supporting me and praying for me through this surgery! The power of prayer is incredible and every prayer has helped! I only have one prayer request and that is if you think of me on some random day if you could remember to pray for the bone to grow in my jaw, so that in a few months when we go back in we aren't looking at another failed bone growth! I'd love to moving on and finishing up with all these surgeries! I've still got a few more to go :)
Thanks for all your support and I will update again in a few months!

1 Chronicles 29:13
"Now, our God, we give you thanks, and praise your glorious name"
-Katie Scheel

Fear...Surgery #11, 3 days away!

Fear: (n) an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger (usually accompanied by a desire to flee or fight)
Fear: (v) be afraid or scared of

Fear or afraid...that's how I've felt the past couple weeks in anticipation for my upcoming surgery in 3 days! When people would ask me how I am feeling about an upcoming surgery usually I would say just "great" or "excited to get it over with" or "it's just one of those things I have to do". Though all of those statements are completely accurate there's something about admitting to be afraid of something like this that almost makes me feel weak or that I have little faith in the great God I serve. 

This surgery is going to be #11 and it's going to be another bigger one. You see a year ago I was looking at a surgery similar to this thinking we are on our way! Making great strides! Little did we know that a year later we would be facing this surgery once again but with a little twist to it since the last one didn't work. As I wrote in my last post this surgery is using cadaver bone powder, my own hip bone, and bone morphogenetic protein (BMP) to create another "bone pudding" to be put into another titanium mesh screen and screwed back into my up jaw for the next 4-5 months! So I look at this surgery and the steps involved and I think to myself "great, it's another surgery I gotta get through! It's good to be back on track again and making progress" 
I got asked by an adult last week "How do you feel about this upcoming surgery?" I simply replied "good, just another one of those things I got to get through" Like many who have heard my story and journey they tell me I am a brave girl but this strength and bravery to get through it is all coming from "Christ who strengthens me", God equips me with what I need and only gives me as much as he knows that I can handle. 
But despite what I know in my heart and what I have been taught there's the human emotions and feelings that come through, fear. 
I have this guy in my life who is my absolute best friend and who's been able to walk through this stuff with me in the past 2 years. He's kinda new on board compared to the rest of my family and the friends that have grown up with me personally through this all but hes one of those guys who is always so encouraging, uplifting and positive. He's the one who made me realize through talking out the failures of the last surgery with him that I am truly afraid of this next one. But it took me a while to finally come out and admit that I am afraid.
I am afraid of this surgery failing again.
I am afraid of my body not accepting new bone.
I am afraid of the IV
I am afraid of waking up in the middle of the surgery 
I am afraid of the pain of my hip after the last hip bone graft I had.
I am afraid of what could happen if something goes wrong.
I am afraid of how much money could essentially be wasted if this doesn't work again 
I am afraid. 

I always felt that if I admit that I am afraid for a surgery it portrays me as weak or that I am no longer strong about this. That the minute I say I am afraid I lost the strength and courage for everyone else who is here to support me. I felt that I couldn't be afraid of these surgeries since I've gone through them since I was a young girl and it's just always been apart of my journey and story. I have to be the strength and pillar to hold this up, but I was wrong. I can't be the strength and courage for myself, I'm human and with that comes fear and weakness but the great thing is is that I have a God on my side who will be there for me through everything!  If I give him my fears and worries he will become my strength and my courage to get through it all. I can't do it on my own :) 

So fear I believe is ok to admit. It's a response to a situations in life but how we deal with it I think is important. So when I got asked the other night by another adult about how I am feeling about this next surgery I said with no hesitation that I  am afraid but that I am excited to move forward. 

On June 19th at 1pm I will be going into my 11th surgery with strength and bravery that God has equipped me with and I will no longer need to be afraid because I will be at peace since I know that God is with me.

So what are you afraid of today? And how will you over come this fear?

Fear: Psalm 91:5&9- "You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day...If you say, "The lord is my refuge," and you make the Most High your dwelling"

Surgery once again...not impossible but possible.

"But the waiting time, my brothers, is the hardest time of all"-unknown

Well the clock has just kept running since the last I wrote in February. The last entry I talked about how my surgeries to grow bone failed, what failure looked like for me, the disappointment and the frustration that came about from it. I also talked about when trials come like these its where people like myself, as a Christian, has to remember to fully keep their faith. It's almost cliche to me to hear or say "God has the ultimate plan, don't worry about it", but the problem I have with that statement is that I know God has the ultimate plan, and I know I don't need to worry about it, but I'm human. It's natural to worry, natural to have fears, natural to be disappointed, angry, sad, caught up in the moment. But looking back to my life since the beginning, I see God really has the plan and always has. He took me on a journey within the past year to learn what it really means to have faith in a God that I cannot see versus just saying I do, and not give up on Him when life doesn't go my way ...

It has been a year since I had the doctor's appointment to see what the next step in my journey was. At that appointment we learned that I needed more bone in my upper jaw before we could put dental implants in and eventually rebuild my nose where I could breathe properly and have a fully functioning face. That appointment in April was the pre-op appointment for my first surgery to grow bone in my jaw that following June 2011. February 2012 came around when we found out about the bone not working out to grow and that my doctor needed more time to devise a new plan.

Fast forward to May 1, 2012, my parents and I had a conference call with my doctor, Dr. Dierks, to hear of his plan to once again grow bone in my upper jaw. A year later and we are back to where we started this time hopefully having a plan that will be successful! Dr. Dierks told us he talked to different doctors around the country as well as around the world and discussed me, the process I am in and how he was looking for a new plan for this bone graft. Eventually he came together with a new idea and shared it with us on May 1st. The plan for this upcoming surgery, June 19th, is rather invasive and more work than the last, but should be successful. In this surgery he will drill a hole into my hip, a hole about the size of a pencil, he will drill in and pull some bone from the inside out. He compared it to drilling for oil. He needs my bone to use the stem cells, and with those he will add it to a mix of cadaver bone as well as BMP. BMP is bone morphogenetic protein, it is something that will enhance the bone growth and help fuse the bone together. They will take this mixture put it into another titanium mesh screen and screw it back into my jaw bone. This will be about a 1-2 week recovery for this surgery. Just like last summer's surgery it will be around another 4 months each step as we wait for the bone to grow and eventually wait to see if the newly grown bone will take the dental implants! I'd have to say I am pretty nervous about this upcoming surgery, mostly because no longer is it just my mouth they are working on but they will be using my hip as well. As I remember back to 3rd grade when my doctor used my hip bone for a previous surgery, working with the bone hurt! A lot! Probably one of the most painful surgeries or recovery I've had in this process, besides the tongue sewn up surgery that I think was more traumatizing than painful.

The greatest part about fear or nervousness or anything that is not of God, is that I don't have to face it alone. Although I may be facing another surgery again soon I know that when the time comes I'll have my family, friends, and most of all God. In this past week I got to look back with hundreds of others of two 17 year old lives that were lost. One of them battling cancer and one battling the daily desire just to be accepted but facing the hardships of what set him apart from others. I learned in one day how important it truly is to lean on God and that the trials we face daily are not impossible to get through but possible only if we put all our hope and trust in the only one who can give us the strength to get through anything. I learned that I should walk through every trial I face and every surgery I will continue to face until the end with a smile and a happy heart because I have a great God on my side. And one of the toughest lessons to follow through with is to focus more on being thankful for the things I have rather than what I don't have because in one short 24 hours I could have it all taken away.

As today is Mother's Day, I am truly grateful and blessed to have a mom like mine. Ever since I was born and before I was born God had a plan for me. Always has and always will, part of that plan was to be put up for adoption and to be adopted into the Scheel family. He knew exactly what I would need and what family would be equipped by him to help me through every surgery I face. My mom and I, we are a team. Through every surgery, doctors appointment, dentist appointment, orthodontist, the failures and the triumphs this journey has brought, she is always there! I admire her so much for her strength and her crazy love for me and every one of my siblings. Nothing stops her from caring for us and being the best support we could have. It's by no accident that she is my mom, God had her picked out for me! :)

Just like my last post, this is only one more page added to my book. I'll add another one once my surgery passes and I'm on the road to recovery once again!
Remember to keep smiling and be thankful every day for the life you've been blessed with :)

Trial and Error...learning to fully have faith

It's been a little over a month since the last time I wrote, what I can say is that life has unexpected turns and as people we have to learn to adapt to them, we can get as angry as we'd like and try to analyze everything, but as a Christian I have to learn to have full faith in God and trust that everything is in his hands. It's easy to talk the talk but when it finally comes to have to walk the walk, it's much harder then expected...

Yesterday, February 23, 2012, my mom and I once again drove up to Portland. Another doctor's appointment, this one walking in expecting to be facing faze 2 of this step we've been working on since June 30, 2011. Last summer we began constructing the nasal base and the structure to place dental implants in. Inorder for these to be successful we had to grow bone into my upper jaw. It's rather fascinating thinking about how medical teams have figured out how to grow bone using blood platelets and cadavar bone. In June of 2011 I went in for surgery 9, having the titanium mesh screen and screws put into my upper jaw holding the cadavar bone and my blood platelets grafting new bone to my bone in hopes that my body would take over it and create its own. I went in for a cone scan to see the progress of my bone growth, the scan showed that it was successful, bone was growing and phase 2 was getting closer. Fast forward to January 3rd, I had gone through much discomfort and pain within the last month before this surgery. The mesh screen was pushing through my gum creating a hole and the pain was getting worse daily. January 3rd was expected to be phase 2 of this process to finally get the implants in but 2 weeks prior to that my doctor said he needed more time to accurately place the implants so we post poned. But the longer we waited the more discomfort I went through so my mom rescheduled the surgery for January 3rd to remove the "hardware", this surgery ended up being a blessing as I needed more bone added in since there was a bit of down fall on one side. I had until mid March to grow bone when my next surgery would be scheduled to place the implants in before Spring break.

Waiting in the doctors office to get my cone scan

So I had my check up yesterday to see the results of my bone growth to then schedule my surgery for next month. My doctor felt around my mouth for a little bit then decided that I needed to get another cone scan to get an accurate view of my mouth. What came next was news that shocked my mom and I, words that I wish wouldn't have to be true.

        Cone scan of my mouth, where the 4 yellow lines point is the most important part of this scan



                                     Front view of my face and the gap we are trying to fill

My doctor said there wasn't enough bone growth. The bone didn't grow even with the addition from the last surgery. I was set back another 8 months or so after just spending 8 months waiting for this bone to grow. Back to phase 1. We may not be moving forward with this until June of 2012, my doctor needs time to study the scans and create a plan to get this bone to grow...set back a year. The realization that the last 2 surgeries were practically a waste it was painful news. Then my doctor was stumped on what to do. He tried the cadavar bone powder and blood platelets twice and both attempts failed. We talked about the possible ways to try again such as taking hip bone, but that's super painful and may be too much to take from my hip, taking skull, but it would dissolve too quickly, using hip bone and cadavar bone and mixing them together, using a bone protein to enhance the growth, but hesistant to use, all these ideas but with downfalls that outweigh the possibility of doing them. As my doctor said, "it's like taking 2 steps back before we can go forward". 2 steps back that costs us thousands of dollars nearly wasted, viewed by insurance as "experimental". 2 surgeries that I had to go through the physical pain, the emotional pain, the anasthetia. Everything, it's the whole cycle run through to get us back to where we started.

My mom and I left the office with the feeling of pain and sadness. A question of why? I was and still am as I write this, devastated of the news I had heard. 2 months ago we were thinking everything was going great, the bone was growing and everything was successful. But it turned out that the scan I had done while I had the screen still in my mouth made the bone appear to be bigger than it was. The ride home was difficult as we tried to process it together, I tried so hard to fight off crying it was the feeling of defeat and the hope temporary lost. My mom was so supportive to me, she asked me to explain how I felt and what my response to the news was and my response was disappointed, hurt. Not because I have to face another surgery but because the last 2 surgeries were a waste. The hope that the bone was growing but that it wasn't. Looking back and seeing the pain and surgical expense it was to go through with these surgeries that didn't work. The realization that I wouldn't have a "normal" biting mouth for another 8 months or so. Last June when I began this step I was thinking just 8 months or so and I'll be getting teeth for the first time that fully worked. It was the hope that I held onto, what got me through. Now I'm not sure what to expect. It's hard for people to imagine what it'd be like to have their front 5 teeth missing. To have a partial that only gives you the presence of teeth and the half way job of speech. While the use of the teeth is absent. I can't bite into food, the retainer will pop out partly while talking. It's a drag but I learned to suck up and deal with it as I saw the end coming. It's all this that overwhelmed me. The whole way home from Portland this weight of disappointment the heaviness of failure the pain of what I still have to face sat upon me consuming me into silence. I once saw the end and journeyed through it until the end date came, now it's here and i'm back to where June 30, 2011 had me. It was the hardest to talk to my mom about it to hear the sympathy in her voice, the eventual tears that were shared between us as we processed it together. It's the buddy system we've always had. Through the ups and downs everything, we're a team.

I asked God why didn't you allow this to work? Why did you let it fail? Why?  But he doesn't owe me an answer. Yet I know his answer and his answer to me is simple, "it's not according to YOUR plan Katie, it's according to MINE"

Psalm 91:4- "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart"
I've learned a lot within in a day. It's not about looking at the what could haves and the negatives, but it's looking at the positives and looking at how can God take this and create it into something more. It's not just my story, and my journey and my plan. It's God's story, his journey with me, and his plan for me. I'm not alone, I just have to full faith in him. God never says that with him life is going to be easy, or dodging the pain and hurt, but that with him it's going to be possible to get through. As a Christian I have take my faith in him and apply it during times that I feel he's most far away. That's the time we draw close to one another and fully rely on him.
As one of my most favorite songs by Tenth Avenue North, Times says "The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone. I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends."

I walk away from writing this entry seeing all that I've faced in the past 8 months splashed upon a screen as one page, just one page of this journey. 1 page in this giant book of life, yet I can look to these blank pages ahead of me and know that I don't have to write them alone. Hand in hand I'll write them with God. His plan is my story.

Jeremiah 29:11- Katie

A day in the life of a patient

January 3, 2012

My surgery was scheduled for 9:30am in Portland at Legacy Emanuel Hospital. I've had all my surgeries at Legacy since Dr. Dierks has started reconstructing my cleft lip and palate. Like all of my surgeries we were asked to be at the hospital 2 hours prior  which meant we had to be there by 7:30. Since we live in Salem we had to be ready to leave by 6:30. Usually it's just my mom, dad and I who go up to my surgeries, but Lauren, my older sister got to come along for this one! So we had a family trip up to the hospital! It's pretty much routine now checking into day surgery. My mom and I go to the check in desk where we go over all my information making sure everything is spelled correctly on my wrist band, signing consent forms...etc. The nurse took my mom and I back to my hospital room and got me set up. I'm only allowed to have one person come back with me while I get prepped, which meant my dad and Lauren had to wait to around for a bit. The hospital has these hospital gowns that are made to have a tube hook into it that blows either cold air or hot air into your gown. It's come in handy in the past when I was either over heating or too cold. It blows up the front of the gown which tends to bring jokes from my parents about my size :) Once I'm all dressed for surgery, a nurse comes in and weighs me, takes my blood pressure, listens to my lungs and heart. All the works. I had one of my doctor's assistance come in and review with my mom and I what exactly I was having done. In medical terms I was having the hardware removed, a bone allograft and PRP (plasma rich platelet)...translation: I was having the titanium screen and screws removed, some more bone graft using my blood platelets once again. I signed a consent form with this doctor and then next was the part of the pre-op that I fear the most. The IV.

I very much dislike IVs. A few surgeries ago it took a nurse 2-3 tries to get the IV in correctly and finally when she did get it in it was still uncomfortable that I just left it and woke up wanting it out immediately. The only plus side is that once I get the IV out, I can go home. This time I was so nervous and stressed out about it I started to cry a little and sweat alot. My mom just sat there with me and held my hand and talked to distract me through it all. I squeezed her hand so hard even after the nurse had finished getting the IV in. This time it only took one try thankfully, but the IV is my biggest fear going into a surgery.

Once I went to the bathroom and settled into my hospital bed, my dad and Lauren were able to join us in the room. Like many dads, mine kept cracking jokes. :) Talking about corn on the cob, juicy apples all things I wouldn't be allowed to eat when I woke up, and the fact that I didn't have my 5 front teeth in, the joke was even funnier to him and my family. :) My parents even sang and did a little dance to My Little Buttercup from the movie The Three Amigos! haha My family prayed over me before Dr. Dierks came in to talk to us. There's nothing to fear when you have complete faith in God. Many people were praying for this surgery, including my family and I.

Lauren and I before the surgery!

Dr. Dierks always visits us before the surgery. He reviewed with us what all was going to go down. It ended up being quite a blessing that we had split this surgery into two parts. Dr. Dierks saw in the x-ray that I needed more bone in a small pocket, so he planning to do a minor bone graft there holding it in with stitches this time rather than using the full mesh screen and screws. He explained to us what a PRP is, which is where they draw my blood and extract everything from it except for the blood platelets itself. Then they take those and condense it down into a gel like form. It's been proven that these platelets can actually speed up the healing process. Such as when you cut yourself the blood platelets rise to the surface to "clog" up the cut to keep yourself from bleeding to death. What's even more amazing is that when these platelets are combined with cadavar bone (bone allograft) they speed up the process of my body taking over the bone and becoming it's own. So with this all being said, he repeated this process from the last surgery, but this time he drew blood from my arm since he wouldn't need as much as he did the last time. When he came out of the O.R. and talked to my parents he said it was a good thing we came in now rather than waiting until March to do everything at once, because once he opened up my mouth he saw that some of the bone graft was coming apart and there wouldn't have been enough bone to put the base of the implants in. Doing this surgery on the 3rd allowed more time for the bone to grow. One of those God timings :)

My anasthetiologist visited me next and gave me the "happy medicine" which basically knocked me out in no time. Apparently my parents and sister said goodbye to me before they wheeled me out to the operating room, but I guess I was so out of it I didn't remember that!

My surgery was only a couple hours long, I woke up to an oxygen mask and a nurse removing all the square tape patches on me from where they had monitors connected to me. My mom said I had been asleep for a while, which meant it was about time I had woken up :) My throat was dry and sore from the breathing tube, finally got some ice water down my throat. My mom had to spoon it into my mouth and wipe any that I drooled back out! It was a pretty fast out from there. I was able to go to the bathroom with some assistance from my mom, but I was walking more stable than I usually do when I first try to walk. After a little bit I was coming more aware of what was going on and wasn't so out of it. My mom was able to help get me dressed and the nurse finally took out my IV. Since I passed all the tests of walking, bathroom, getting dressed and IV out, I was cleared to go home. They got a wheel chair for me and wheeled me out. We were on our way home around 2:15ish! The rest of the day and the next day I just vegged around and relaxed.

Right after surgery!

Why the nurses didn't clean me up better I have no idea! :)

Today I'm feeling much better, barely swollen and recovering fast. The swelling has gone down a lot and I graduated from liquids to more soft food after a full day! I'm back on my feet regaining my strength! The recovery from this surgery was the fastest I've had!

I am so thankful for everyone's prayers and the continual support of my family. We've gone through a lot in this past week as a family with an ER run last friday and a surgery on Tuesday. I'm amazed at how strong my parents are and how faithful our God is to us. He is who gets us through everything, every day He's here for us just waiting for us to call on him and surrender all of us to him day after day.

Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”