5 Front Teeth

Hello There!
It's been about 7 months since the last I wrote and not too much has happened for me. Except for one big and exciting thing did happen, I got a set of 5  brand new shiny front teeth! I'm sure most of you know that classic Christmas song, "all I want for Christmas are my two front teeth", well it always makes me smile come the holiday season because I got to substitute it with "all I want for Christmas are my 5 front teeth". Well I can say now that my wish finally did come true!

I've gone through quite a journey with different teeth and appliances. Over time my retainers evolved from 1 tooth to 5 and the contractions that doctor's created were quite impressive. I got new teeth last year too, but that set wasn't quite as stable as my new set. I met with a new doctor, Dr. Bray, who was incredible with finding a solution and creating a functional and aesthetically pleasing appliance. It took I think 4 or 5 months to create this new set. It's made of two parts: 1) that is a metal bar that screws into my implants in my upper jaw; 2) the actual teeth that slide over the metal bar and lock into place. This structure allows for more support by having more surface area for the pressure of eating and speaking to spread to. Before, my teeth were only supported by 3 metal implants causing the pressure to go straight into the implants and into my jaw. This new way allows for the pressure to be spread out across the bar and more equally distributed and less direct pressure on my implants and bone, in the end creating a more lasting appliance. This structure also gives me more support for speaking. The teeth are securely locked in and allows me full range of speech.
After I had my wisdom teeth out I wasn't able to put my old set in so I had to use a prototype of the model I have now that wasn't quite as secure and one morning I woke up to have my teeth fall right out. I'd have to say that was a strange moment! (Not as strange as the moment when I drove off to school in high school to realize halfway down my street I had forgotten to put my teeth back in after brushing them...)

The evolution of my teeth 

(I'm missing a set or two but pretty close to all of them)

I began the process of this new set last fall and got to take new impressions of my teeth. For those who don't know what that's like, it's basically filling a metal or plastic tray fitted to go over your teeth with this not so great tasting gunk that over time hardens in your mouth to create a mold of your teeth. It's not a great experience, but one I've had to do many times. After the impressions a prototype was created, that was once we chose the color of my teeth and matched the color of my gum tissue. Following this, the metal bar had to be created, which took some time. At one point it was stuck in customs up in Canada. All this to say, a lot was put into creating this new set and pieces were created all over the place. In March I finally got to have the whole appliance put in and a brand new smile!

       XRAY of how the bar screws in to my jaw

Model of how it would fit into place

Up close and personal

It's a strange excitement when you're 19 and you get to celebrate being able to bite into foods again. I can't bite into everything, but I can at least bite into a Great Harvest sandwich or my other favorite, a Dorito's locos taco from Taco Bell. It's even more exciting when you get to speak and not worry about the retainer flipping out of your mouth or spraying people because of the build up of spit behind the retainer wall. Though I admit, sometimes I still do it and now I no longer have an excuse. So here I am now, with a set of teeth that work and look amazing! They are the closest thing to permanent that I will have as for teeth. Due to my lack of bone growth in my jaw I won't ever be able to support teeth on 5 individual implants, so for now and for as long as it will hold, these teeth will do!

Final Smile

 Dr. Bray and I

On my last post I wrote about the new connection I have with my birth mom. It took awhile to get a letter out to her, through a 3rd party, but I eventually did get a letter out! We have now received 2 letters from my birth mom and sister and are in an exciting journey to get to know more about her and her life. I'll share a couple little pieces of the letter she sent to me that made me smile. The first is this, "I see Thuong looks like me and become a pretty girl that totally contrary to her face at time after birth that her survival was just my faint hope." I think this little piece says a lot about my birth mom's courage and love for me. When she put me up for adoption her immediate wish for me was my survival, all the vanity of it came after. Her hope was my survival, simple as that. I can't imagine what goes through her mind when she gets to see pictures of me now who not only survived, against all she was staring down at after I was born, but was blessed with such amazing doctor's who did their best to make me look as beautiful as they could. 

The second is this, "This is the biggest happiness in my life, I expect Thuong [my birth name] study hard, become your  obedient and grateful daughter. I hope Thuong has love and compassion to sister and brothers in family." I think I love this part the most because it's a glimpse into the nature of my birth mom. Even though I'm no longer hers and she isn't raising me as her daughter, she still hopped onto the opportunity to give some motherly advice. This part makes me smile the most as I truly see the love of a mom extended from her to me. My birth mom only has her words to offer to me and from the two letters I've received from her I can already see how much she values this opportunity.

When a new letter comes,

I get a  picture of her handwritten and translated letter

My birth mom writing back

The first letter we sent over

(Her first update in almost 8 years)

That's all for now to catch you up! My journey is slowing way down, it's refreshing, but sometimes a little strange not to be looking at the next surgery around the corner. Thank you for taking the time for reading this and most of all thank you all for your continuous prayers.

-Katie 

p.s. if you didn't notice I finally got my own domain name for my blog, size2shoes.org, now that I'm approaching 4,000 views I thought it was about time! Thank you for all your support!

Something New

Hello Readers,

It's been a while since I last wrote and a lot has changed. I want to be as real as I can with my readers, because my life and its struggles aren't always sugar coated over. 

There isn't much new about my surgeries, my nose is or should be completely healed. I had a check up with my doctor this past summer and he said everything was looking good. The only things that are a minor concern are the holes in both of my ear drums due to excessive scar tissue from ear infections. The holes are not a pressing concern, in fact it can be taken care of anytime because I can function without them being fixed. My doctor suggested I take a full year off of surgeries to give my body a rest from all the anesthesia and medications. I have chronic headaches now and my doctor thought taking a break would help my head. So this summer we had no surgeries. It was weird not having any surgeries, but at the same time it was a relief to not have any and not have to go through the whole process again. This last year was overall pretty great, experienced the first year of college, lived in a new city, a new state. I had many adventures and continued to grow. But with all great things there are challenges that come along the way. School wasn't perfect and I went through a bit of struggle and near the end of the year I decided to transfer schools and come back closer to home. In my past blogs I had always talked about how amazing my God is and how strong our relationship was. I will admit in this one that my relationship with him is no longer as strong as it used to be. My identity as a Christian is no longer what it used to be. My relationship is in a sense broken and I went through a long period of doubt and my relationship with God became slowly broken. It may be sad for some to read this as you used to know me or currently do know me. I believe everyone goes through a period of struggle and mine just happens to be now. My dad prayed that something would happen that would blow my mind, that God would reveal himself and blow me away. His prayer was answered by something amazing and completely unexpected.

In August, a lady named Rita called my uncle's house in Montana asking if they had a relative who had adopted a little girl from Vietnam. My cousin said no and hung up without thinking, but my uncle called back right away and said that my family had. He got her number and passed it on to my mom. She was then able to talk to this lady who shared her story. Her husband had served over in Vietnam and she became a part of a charity called Children of Vietnam who help families in poverty over there. This one mother and her daughter were extremely poor and asked for a toilet. This organization was able to fund for a bathroom and a cow for the family in order for them to have a source of income. This lady, Rita, and her husband went over to Vietnam in April of 2013 to see what the organization had been doing. Rita visited the woman who had asked for the toilet and met her and her 15 year old daughter. This woman told Rita about her story. She had a baby girl who was born with a cleft lip and palate that she had to give up for adoption long ago. She was terribly sad that she had lost communication with her daughter and the adoptive family. (If you haven't picked it up yet, her daughter was me!) Every year my family was required by the adoption agency to send a letter and pictures of how I was doing. My birth mom was able to receive these and see how I was doing each year. For some reason she was unable to receive anymore after 2007. She expressed to Rita how worried and sad she was being unable to hear from my family. She never directly asked Rita to look for us, but Rita felt so moved by her story that she set out to find us. Rita spent a year looking for my family and finally was able to this past August. I learned that my birth mom is still alive and that I now have a half sister who is almost 2 years younger than me. I am an older sibling. From the stories that I heard about Rita and her husband's encounter with my birth mom and half sister I am able to say with a proud heart that my birth mom is a hard working determined lady with a heart that is full of love and kindness. 

Rita said that my birth mom had a photo of me hung in her house and kept every letter she ever received about me. She had pictures of my family and kept me in her thoughts daily. She deeply loved and cared for me. 

My mom says this is my only "family" photo of us, because in this picture we can see that my birth mom is pregnant again with my younger sister. 

My birth mom would venture in from the country and visit me every so often in the orphanage

In a previous blog about me when I was in 5th grade, I talked about how my birth mom had contacted us with a letter. We tried to write back but we never heard anything back. If you were to have asked me if I wanted to meet my birth mom any time before the night I heard about the news of my birth mom and sister I would have said no. I never wanted anything to do with her and that life over there because that wasn't who I was. I was taken out of that life and brought to this new one. I always thought all of that would complicate everything. I have no memory of her or any of my life before I was 2 so I thought searching for her and opening that door would complicate my life. I didn't know how to process the news of another family, my birth family, it was all surreal to me and still is. It sounds like a story you'd hear on tv, one of those stories that you think that will never happen to me. But the reality is...it happened to me. I can't escape that and now it's my story. I have a half sister who looks like me and never in my life had I seen another person who looked related to me, with half the same DNA as myself. It is all surreal. My family and I have decided to pursue the relationship with my birth mom and sister. We have ventured into the ultimate pen pal relationship. This whole story did blow me away to a point that I had no words. It all seemed incredibly surreal as if it was some distant story. I don't believe it will become fully real to me until the day I meet them and I do hope that day does come. 

My half sister and birth mom

 My story of my birth mom is life changing, literally. I know now that I have a younger sister and that my birth mom is still alive today. I have another family across the world. A family that is poverty stricken and working hard to each day. A story like this not only shows how God can work but also the simplicity of life. Money shouldn't be as big as it is to people, but rather seen as something you can use to help others. My birth mom was given a toilet, a cow, and the money to send my sister to school. Rita said my birth mom had my sister's school uniform clean and as well taken care of as she could. She valued something so simple like it was her greatest possession. Your time with the people you love should be cherished because people like my birth mom are aching to simply know if the one she loves is doing well. Life is unexpected, it has unexpected joys and sadness. The bad things that happen to us we don't always ask for. We also don't always know why they happen to us. Life shouldn't be taken lightly, each day is a joy and each day is a gift. Our relationships with others should be intentional and our time shouldn't be so selfishly held on to. 

During this time my heart was hardened towards anything that would steer towards God. I want to make it clear to those who know me and love me, that this hardness did not mean my salvation was taken away. I still fully believed that I was saved and still believe that I am. I believe a time of doubt and a time where we are searching for more is healthy and normal in this walk of life with God. Last year at school I entered into a period of time where I felt as if God had turned his back on me, the key word being felt. Not that he had, but that it felt that way to me. I was questioning if all this "bad" and negativity was happening to me, where was God to intervene? He wasn't, at least it didn't seem so. I became so far from that "right" path that talking about God just frustrated me and I didn't go to church for over a month this summer. Even through all this, I knew he was still in my life. Everything in my journey said God is right there, but sometimes the circumstances in life can blind you, it did for me.

In my wandering, if you will, I've found that I'm not truly lost. As that quote says, "not all who wander are lost". Those reading this, who are avid Christians may read this and see that I hardened my heart and turned from trusting God; might draw to conclusion that I have gotten off the path and categorized me as being "lost". But I'm writing to say I am not lost. Lost is subjective to what one defines as being found, so in the Christian world is being found or saved meaning that you go to church and you pray and read the Bible every day? Sure. But are you not saved if you simply believe John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" and yet lack in the other forms of worship? I believe one is still saved. I'm also not saying that people should simply accept Jesus as our salvation and keep living life as if nothing had changed them. But I think that because I "got off the path" for a short while and had a hard heart doesn't mean I was lost because my foundation of who I am was still rooted in the salvation of Christ. In my time away from the church (I can happily say I have began attending church again in Portland and feel a revival in my life) I've found that the way I live my life shouldn't be concerned with how modern Christians live their life today. My salvation isn't measured by how much I can pray, how many Bible studies I can join, how many church services I can attend....etc. (I'm also not saying all Christians today act like this, but I've found much of my generation can get caught up in all the "Christianese" acts), My salvation is based upon my belief in Jesus Christ. Time on earth isn't dedicated to just Christian acts, but most importantly to share the gospel and in one way through loving people better. My word last year for the school year was pride and that was something I had to work on all year and this year it is Love. Sounds cliche doesn't it? I admit, it might be, but I'm being serious when I say that the Christian mission is based out of love. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his son..." or in a better way to say "In this way God loved the world that he gave his son..." The ultimate sacrifice and the whole base of Christianity is rooted from God's great love. 

Even though I never wanted anything to do with my birth mom before, the greatest thing I can do to love her back is to be intentional about this new relationship. It may become complicated, but I'd rather know that I did my best to love someone who loved me so greatly that she sacrificed me from her life to give me life. We are all given only one life so what do you choose to do? How do you choose to love others? The next time you see a homeless person on the street do you choose to look at them and judge them that they could be trying to do more with their life or that all they want money for is beer? Who are we to judge when we are simply called to feed the hungry? That is love, to love the unloveable and to care for those who need it most without all the judgment. I believe as Christians we are much more than our investments in our relationships with Christ, but we are also made to invest in and love those he created. Through loving God's creation we are loving Him. 

Many of you may have been expecting more about my life of surgeries and my adoption, but my salvation is the greatest part of my life and to be able to share my struggles and bring the reality of the walk with Christ to your attention is just as important as sharing my stories of my surgeries. 

May you feel inspired to love more abundantly,

Katie 

The Four S's...School....Surgeries...Suffering...Sovereignty

December 4, 2013

It's been almost 4 months already since my last surgery! Time has flown by! I'm down at Biola and I'm loving it. The school is amazing, the classes are great, and the atmosphere of the people is overall pretty awesome! I've made some great friends and life is going well!

School:
I walked into college hoping for a "fresh" start. That may be the cliche phrase whenever people move onto new schools or new locations. They're looking for their next big break and fresh start. I was hoping for a fresh start to redefine myself, or a chance to define myself on my own. I've learned pretty quick that college is a place for really growing and learning who I am myself. It's a time for me to take ownership for decisions and see where they take me. I can succeed or fail, but when I fail I can learn from that. I wanted this fresh start to define me outside of my surgeries. That may seem silly to say, but I wanted to become Katie with out the history of surgeries. I know I couldn't erase my past and that's not what I wanted. I simply wanted to define myself because of the things I chose to do, not because of the circumstances I was put into and had to overcome. Until this part of my life my image has been built off of the girl with the cleft lip and palate. I know people see me as much more than just me and my physical difference. Many people see me as the character and personality I've grown into. I feel when many people see me they see me as someone who has overcome a lot. Someone who's strong, brave, and courageous. I've been defined that way because of the difficulties in my life that I had to make it through. You see, I had to make it through all those surgeries. Well I suppose I didn't have to, but as a Christian I couldn't just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I had to overcome the obstacles that God put in my way. If I just sat and complained and felt sorry for myself I wouldn't be the creation God intended me to be. I'm called to use my life to glorify Him, and I couldn't do that if I make the worst out of what He had given me. So I had to overcome and out of that, the image of myself and a lot of the perception of myself stems from my story of overcoming a situation I was given and did not choose. I'm incredibly thankful for my journey, and I wouldn't change it for anything, but coming to Biola was a time for me to create a new image of myself to a brand new audience of people who knew none of my history.

Surgeries: 
My goal with my surgeries was to be completely finished before walking into college. My family and I achieved this goal for the most part, as in we got all the big and necessary surgeries done before I started my freshman year of college. I wanted to be completed with surgeries before starting with college because I didn't want to have the hassle of surgeries during this next phase of life. I wanted to move forward and not see definite surgeries in the future. I wanted to finally live a little bit of life free of major doctors appointments and surgeries after 15 years of doing all that stuff. But I guess I was asking for "too much"...

It's been nearly 4 months since my last surgery and I'm healing slowly overtime. It's expected my nose will take a year to fully heal and become set into place. It's only been 4 months and it's already looking pretty great! You can see over time over the 4 months since my surgery my nose change slowly over time. The most definite change I've seen is the beginning of my bridge between my eyes has become more narrow and more defined. The tip of my nose has also become less swollen and more shaped around the cartilage. It's morphing and changing to it's final product...slowly. The change reminds me of aging, over a larger span of time it's noticeable, but day by day you can't really see it happening. It's coming along!

 

End of August

Very beginning of october

End of October

Near the end of November

Suffering:
The dictionary definition of suffering is as follows: "the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship"...

Since June I have undergone quite a bit of pain due to my surgeries. I was looking forward to letting that part of my life go when walking into college, no more surgeries for a year or however long I want to wait to have another (if I want to do more). I was expecting slight discomfort because of the changing of my nose, but I wasn't expecting much more than that.

I had the full piece of rib cartilage and a half of another one taken out of my body in June. It was an expected 6 weeks until I would be recovered from that where I could breathe without a lot of pain or be able to sit up by myself or lay down on my own. But since then I still have to deal with discomfort  of my ribs. It's been nearly 6 months since that surgery and I still "suffer" from the effects of having rib cartilage removed. I sometimes find myself after sitting for a few hours working on homework for school or just a long amount of time in classes when I stand everything surrounding the area where the rib was removed is tight and sore to move around. I can't easily stand up and start moving, I have to be ready to stretch it out and then get moving. Some positions of just daily living can be uncomfortable because my body is taking its time to recover and fully heal. Some days it can be really frustrating and discouraging.

In addition to my rib cartilage I've had recurring headaches for the last month or so every single day. They come on in the afternoon and last anywhere from 4-6 hours. The headaches can be so strong that functioning within classes can be extremely difficult. My mom and I are thinking it's due to all the medications, anesthesia, and stresses of surgeries that are part of the cause of my headaches. Also my nose is changing too which could be causing them too. But the headaches come in during the day and make functioning through the day a little difficult.

Early October I found out I had another ear infection from surgeries, and it's a common cause that kids with cleft lip and palates have ear, nose and throat problems. I have definitely had a fair share of ear infections in my day. I saw a doctor down here to check out my ear and it turns out I have not one, but two holes in my ear drums. One hole in each ear, which has caused my hearing to decrease. The doctors prediction was that I have mild to moderate hearing loss and the more I choose to swim or have water drain into my ear the more my hearing will decrease. Bummer.

I'm not writing this to complain to you, I'm writing this to say that even with the hopes that I could let go of all my surgeries and escape to a place I could live without suffering and without that part of the past, it wasn't part of the plan. I have a very wise friend I've met down here who said something that stood out the most: that in the midst of everything "God is Sovereign"

Sovereignty:
I'm reading this great book right now, "Surprised by Suffering", for one of my classes but it has such wise lessons. One of the verses in it was 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, "we are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed- always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body" Although I may be going through a lot right now, I'm not "destroyed". God is sovereign and He knows exactly what He is doing with me. 

I wish I could say I have had this great faith through these last 4 months, but truth is, even though I go to a Bible university, I have faith that can be doubting. Some days, when a lot of things around me feel like they're collapsing and relationships are falling, and pain is taking me from enjoying the day, and grades are slipping; I doubt the very existence of God. I don't think it's wrong to doubt, I think it's part of the process of gaining a stronger faith. It becomes a problem when the doubting becomes the faith, where I never pick myself up and come to the conclusion that God does not exist. That becomes the problem. But I am so blessed to have such a surrounding of people who are uprooted in Christ and can pour words of wisdom and guide me back onto the path. Sometimes it seems like it's a Christian fall back to just say "God's in control" when we lose control or feel like we have lost complete control, but I think in those times when we lose our control, God can finally take control and we can find him in the mess of things. 

In the midst of all the pain and stress, God is sovereign. 

So...
In the end, I've realized I can't outrun or escape the me that was created and built from my cleft lip and palate. Because if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be a Scheel, I wouldn't live here, I wouldn't be attending a private Christian University, I wouldn't be learning more about God or necessarily even know about Him, and I wouldn't be surrounded by such amazing family and friends. Who I have become in Christ, wouldn't be me if I hadn't been born with a cleft lip and palate. Through all the "suffering" and trials that have come out of that my identity was found and placed in Christ. That identity is the only identity that truly matters. All the "good" I can do is because of the good work God has done in me. All credit of my character and actions that I choose do whether it is apart or separate from my surgeries ultimately should all point back to God, not me. So that idea to create a new me, or create a me separate from how God created me to be isn't bringing glory to God the way He has intended it to be since the day of birth. As my 6 word story says, "Loved, Given Away, God's Plan, Adopted" This is all God's plan, every joy and pain that comes along.

January: 
I have a check up with my plastic surgeon in January to see how progress is with my nose so far, hopefully everything will be as he was hoping if not better! I'll post again after I hear the results! Thank you for taking time to read this and continue to be apart of my journey, or just now stepping in to be apart of it. 

-Katie
1 Peter 4:12-13
"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy"

Finished...For Reals.

Well, it’s August 22, 2013 as I write this final blog for a while. It’s almost unreal to be at the end of the road. A couple years ago it was the beginning of the last stretch where the end looked so near. We were expecting to be done within a few months but a few months turned into a couple years. It was a hard journey the last little bit, but it was worth it. I learned a lot, grew a lot and went through a lot. But we finally made it.

On August 6^th I went in for the redo of my nose construction. The last time it warped and caused a bump out of my nose and the cartilage started turning. My doctor was greatly disappointed and so were we. We chose to fix it as soon as we could. In this surgery he decided to take the whole rib cartilage out and cut it into 4 pieces. He shaved down the bump and used it to fill in the dip. In addition to that he took the 4 pieces of cartilage and layered them one on top of another and stitched  and screwed them down so they couldn’t warp anymore. He also took donor cartilage and put into my nose to further support the tip. I usually struggle with nausea from surgeries so we order an anti nausea patch to put behind my ear and that usually helps a lot. But this surgery I really had a hard time and couldn’t kick it. I think it was due to the double amount of anesthesia and meds in such a short period of time.

What nurses and doctors don’t tell you to expect from surgeries is the constipation that is caused because of all the medications. It’s not something most people want to talk about, but it is a factor that people forget. The medications shut down my body for days and I became toxic inside and got really sick. My family was all in Montana during this time so we had a family friend staying with me and I had my best friend and my boyfriend both hanging around the house taking turns. It was a blessing to have people looking out for me, God has always been good in that way. I quit taking heavy pain meds when I started getting sick feeling thinking I could handle nothing after a week from my surgery, but I soon found out it was too painful and sore. I still didn’t take anything until it got really bad and when I did it wasn’t a heavy pain med so it didn’t fully do the job but it made it a little more comfortable.

The surgery all went really well. We saw him on 19^th and he was really pleased! Everything was looking straight and the swelling was going down. It’s still going down. My nose will keep changing for the following year and won’t be set into its final form until next summer. So far everything is great and looking good.

Meanwhile during recovery my dentist and I have been working on my new set of teeth. Several appointments for molds, wax fittings, metal framework fittings, acrylic fitting and the final fitting. We got my teeth all created; it’s a crazy appliance. Half of it is metal framework, the same titanium used in parts of airplanes, and the front is an acrylic where the teeth are. Within the teeth are 3 holes with metal housing and rubber gaskets to lock into my 3 metal implants in my jawbone. The back of the retainer clasps around my molars in my back and that’s how it all fits in. I can bite now and that is so exciting. My boyfriend, Nathan, took me to the dentist while my parents were gone because I was on pains meds and I wasn’t “allowed” to drive. He got to watch it all as they fit it in and made adjustments, unscrewed and screwed everything back in. When we were all finished we went to my parent’s bakery and as we pulled in and parked I was so excited about my teeth and he was taking too long to get out of the car so I looked at him and said “I wanna go bite something!” It was a good laugh, but really I have never been able to fully bite something with all my front teeth. The first thing I bit was a piece of Great Harvest Cinnamon chip bread! So good and so exciting! It’s amazing what little things can excite you when you’re not used to it and things are made so much easier. I ran downstairs after I bit into a cupcake and it left teeth marks in the frosting and I had to run down my stairs to show my mom how excited I was about teeth marks in my food! The joy of little things.

As I write this I’m sitting in the car driving down to SoCal to embark on a brand new journey, college. Nothing like this journey. It’s crazy to look back and see 15 years ago I was brought over to the US into a new family and a new beginning. 17 years ago I was born and taken to an orphanage in hopes I would have a great opportunity to live a better life. Now I’m here, closing the door to what has been the greatest journey of my life so far. It’s almost unreal to not be looking forward at the next surgery and the next thing to fix on my face. Now I’m walking forward through new doors into college where a new journey will begin with new trials and new friends. My surgeries are complete my strength has grown and my faith has been stretched to new heights. I’m looking forward to this new beginning, a fresh start.

(published this post once I got to school :)) 

I’m all finished. It is the greatest relief to see that I have no more necessary surgeries. It’s my choice next summer to do one more surgery to do a lip graft to increase movement and even out my lips, but for now I’m done. My next doctors appointment isn’t until January, a check up to see the progress of my new nose as it continues to unswell.

Thank you to all who have walked with me through my journey, whether it was from day one or a few months ago. Every prayer, encouragement, card, flowers or anything has helped me get through it even more. Thank you to my parents who have continually supported and given me so much to make it all possible, I’ve truly been blessed. Especially to my mom who has held my hand through many appointments and surgeries. I admire her strength and constant love and support through it all. She is an amazing mom. Thank you to my siblings who always were here when I needed them and encouraged and prayed for me from anywhere in the world as I finished up. Thank you Nathan for the 4 years of journeying through it all with me and sitting with me through many chick flicks and recovery days when I hardly remembered you being there. It’s been amazing to have you with me as I went through the hardest 2 years of my journey. Your continual encouragement and prayer got me through so much. Finally, thank you to all my friends who came to visit me and prayed for me. Especially Meghan who came as often as she could since grade school walking through it with me. You’ve been such a great best friend! Everyone’s support has meant the world to me. May God bless you as you have blessed me.

Numbers 6:24-26: “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

Surgery #15...Not done yet.

Well last I posted it was about my last surgery which was roughly 7 weeks ago. Double surgery summer. I have once again another surgery on Tuesday, August 6th at 7:30am. This surgery will be #15.  Each surgery is just a little more draining than that last and this process leading to this next surgery proved even more to me that I'm human. I have limits, I hold anger, I can be selfish and I try to do too much too soon. I get into surgery mode, I try to push aside the emotional effects each surgery can have on me and just try to focus on the things that need to be done and stuff the rest down. That's not healthy and within these 7 weeks between the last surgery and this surgery I've found I hit what seemed to be my max.

It was an option to do the corrective surgery this summer or wait till Christmas or next summer. But I'm going into college in 3 weeks and wanted this part of my life to left at the door as I entered this new adventure. I didn't want to have to come home and face another surgery because the one the following year failed. I wanted to piece it all together and move on. This nose surgery was to be the stepping stone to the end. But it wasn't. We have to do "take two" as my doctor put it. It's a blessing to be in a family that can financially get it to work to keep repairing my face. More than ever this surprise of another surgery has caused tears and frustration within the house. I didn't realize how much effect getting ready for another surgery would have on me. We didn't know what would have to be done whether more cartilage had to be taken out of me or if we'd have to start all over and hope for a better result. It was all up in the air and time has been running to fit it all within the schedule. Part of me doesn't want to have to go through another surgery and deal with all the pain and medications put into me. But part of me knows this is what "needs" to be done in order to get the best result and be finished. 

We saw my doctor on Thursday and discussed what was to be done for this next surgery. He decided to removed the whole piece of cartilage in my nose and shave off the bump of cartilage that is warped upwards and take that piece to fill in the dip in my nose in order to make the bridge of the nose "straight". He said there are special sutchers that can be used to hold the cartilage into place. He also wants to secure the tip of my nose better and will be using donor cartilage to hold it up. Then he will place the cartilage back into my nose. My cartilage also warped to the left so he will shave on some of the side too to create the straight look up and down as well. Thankfully he doesn't have to take any more cartilage from my body. He said theres less chance of the cartilage warping any more since it's had a while to sit and form on it's own again. 

My nose has shifted and unswelled a lot since the last surgery but recorrective surgeries on a nose that has already been corrected takes a longer to heal. I was told it'd take 6-12 months until my nose is fully set into place and done changing. 

Thanks for all the continuous prayer and support through all these surgeries. It's been hard and sometimes feels impossible, but my family, friends and ultimately God gets me through each one. He never gives me more than I can handle. I've been equipped with the strength needed to get through and I'm almost done. A few more steps and maybe this journey will come to a close. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

Thank you all,

Katie 

Surgery #14...Keep Pushing Forward...leading to Surgery #15

Philippians 4:13- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

Some things in life don't always go as we hope. Some times in life we take two steps forward and one step back. But why? I'm not sure. But God doesn't owe me any explaination. But it's up to me to get through it one step at a time whether it's forward or backwards or sideways or upside down. I have to keep persevering even when I feel like giving up.

On June 18th I went in for my 14th surgery. I was hoping it would be my last for quite a while. So we snapped a photo of me with my doctor (Dr. Dierks) expecting it to be our last surgery together. He's been with me for 15 years and watched me grow up and has done extraordinary work on me. It's been such a blessing to have the best doctor in the nation work on me and reconstruct everything to make it functional and look it's best.

Dr. Dierks and I

This surgery we were rebuilding my nose. Well completely constructing it from my rib cartilage. The goal was to recreate my nose and build it upwards. I had a deviated septum and couldn't fully breathe well. By building my nose up it would open the air passage more and allow me to breathe more fully as well as create a nose with a bridge. In order to this they cut an incision right below my right breast about an inch and a half long and went in and removed rib cartilage.

 At the end of each rib there is roughly 7-8cm of rib cartilage that attaches the bone to the sternum. My doctor was hoping to in and in a sense "hollow" out a strip of rib cartilage. Imagine taking a log and hollowing out the inside to make a canoe. He was hoping to do that for me, but unfortunately I didn't have enough rib cartilage for him to do that and construct my nose. Instead he took out the entire chunk of rib cartilage attached to my bone and half of another one. So currently I have a space between 2 rib bones and sternum which created a floating rib. He then took the strips of rib cartilage and put them into my nose to create a bridge and put a cast on the outside.

The pain levels of this surgery was one of the worst. The first thing that hurt the most was my ribs. I went into surgery at about 1pm and didn't wake up till around 5:30. My surgery lasted roughly 3 and a half hours. We got to stay in the huge rooms since my surgery was later and the day surgery rooms close sometime in the afternoon. Once I gained enough consciousness again I immediately felt pain in my ribs and was ranging between a 7-8 on the 1-10 pain scale. I was prescribed oxycodon every 4 hours for 3 days. I usually don't follow what is prescribed for pain meds because I hate having it in me and the way it makes me feel, but this one I had to follow and eventually eased myself off of it onto Vicodin and then onto ibuprofen after about 10 days. I'm still recovering now and will for the next 6 months to a year. Once my ribs started settling down from my pain, my nose started regaining feeling again and that was just as painful. Barely bumping it would ache. My bruising wasn't as bad as I had imagined. I mostly had bruising beneath my eyes spreading into my nose and one morning I was swollen under my eyes enough I couldn't open them enough to get contacts in. Swelling improved each day and eventually was all gone. 

My cast was to come off in 3-7 days and it took about 7 days until I finally got it all wet and peeled it off. It was either I take it off or my doctor takes it off the next day and I preferred taking it off myself.

On the 27th my mom and I went to Portland for my post-op appointment. My doctor wanted to see how my nose was healing and look inside of it and do all the check up stuff. He immediately wasn't happy with what he saw. He was pleased with the tip of my nose though which is said to be the hardest thing to create. As my mom calls it, it's a "cute" tip of my nose. What he was unpleased with the top of my nose closest to my eyes. At the top there is a bump which I thought was just a lot of swelling but it turns out to be the end of my rib cartilage poking into my skin. What happened was the straight piece of cartilage "warped" and bent upwards causing the end of the cartilage to poke out of nose and middle of it to be bent inwards.

Since I have a piece of cartilage poking into my skin and causing a bump in my nose, we have to go back in and get it fixed. We would like to have everything completed before I head off to college in August. As of now I have surgery 15 scheduled for August 6th. I go in on the 1st of August to see how much my swelling decreased and if the surgery is still necessary, but as the days go by the swelling is going down but the cartilage is still poking up. After 2 weeks though the cartilage has shifted more and moved around becoming a little straighter each day, but the cartilage isn't bending back down. We got the news and my mom was more bummed out than I was at first. I think because I hadn't fully processed what had just happened. It wasn't until we were walking out of the doctors office when it really hit me what was going on and what was about to happen...again.

I was being faced with another surgery that failed. I've experienced this once before 2 years ago when we first embarked on this specific adventure. The first bone graft we attempted had failed, and I had to process that one too. In hindsight to that surgery I concluded that God was pulling me back from a life that was moving at 90 miles per hour when I thought I had everything lined up and working for me. But he was showing me that I had to depend on him to get through everything. Since then I've kept that in mind. But this surgery I have no idea. But God doesn't owe me any explanation. The surgery 2 years ago was so difficult to get over, to move past that bump and the hole I felt like I sunk into when it failed and everything was on pause. Just when things were looking good again and the end of the road was just in sight, another wall stood in the way.

I shut down in the car when my mom and I drove home. I couldn't speak about it without feeling like tears were welling up into my eyes. To me another failed surgery isn't just about the surgery not working, it's looking ahead and seeing what I have to go through again. I was so excited about being done for at least a year or maybe even done for good heading into this last surgery. But God had other plans. I've tried to process what i'm going into again. The full course of a surgery. It's something I'm used to now and know the ropes pretty well, but each surgery is a little more draining than the last. Especially these last few surgeries since they are some huge ones. They are physically and emotionally draining. Since June 30, 2011 I have had a surgery nearly every 3-4 months which adds up to 6 surgeries in 2 years. So looking ahead to one more surgery within 6 weeks of the last one is exhausting just thinking about. We can question it over and over as to why this is happening to me again and ask "haven't I been through enough?" But what good does that do? It is what it is and I have to get through it. My mom and I have had a hard time getting through it all and processing it all. But she is amazing and said it's about perspective. People have it 10x worse than me, a cleft lip and palate can be a big deal if you compare it to a person who scraped a knee. But if I look at a dear friend of mine who is facing the beginning of fighting cancer, my cleft lip and palate is minuscule. It's something, but as a Christian God never gives us more than we can handle. Trusting Him will get me through this. It's not the end of the world, even though it may feel like it at times.

It's hard sometimes to stay composed and try to be the strongest I can be when an area of my life feels like it's falling apart and when crying feels like the most needed escape. My mom and I have walked through all of this together since day one. Her being a mom she feels the pain her kids go through and so if I break I'm afraid she will break even more. I've tried to stay composed and just battle through this, but sometimes it's ok just to break down and let it out. Everything in me doesn't want to do another surgery and go through it once more. But if this is what I have to go through once more to reach the end and as close to perfection with my final stage, then so be it. I will go through anything and repeat anything to finish off my mouth and nose. The end is coming, maybe not at my pace, but it is coming. And through this pain and extra surgery I believe God will do something great. 

One of my best friends told me it's unreasonable to say everything won't be ok because it will be in the end. God has never deserted me and won't start now. I'm exhausted of surgeries and just want to be done, but God has different plans for me and I'll be done on his timing. It's easy to say these things and I know I believe it and I know it's true, but I'm human and still fall into the darkness of failure and frustration with how all this is going. My mom said it's ok to be human at times especially one of these times. God doesn't expect us to be happy and cheerful all the time. There will be troubles in this world and we can express our pain, anger, frustration whatever it is, but we can't wallow in it for good. There comes a time when we have to pick ourselves up, wipe off our tears and step forward. 

On August 6th I will have to step forward and bring my journey to a close hopefully. As of now I have many dentist appointments from now until I leave to college to create my final set of teeth. Due to the lack of tissue in my upper jaw and not quite enough implants to support 5 teeth, we have decided to do semi permanent implants. It will be an appliance that will snap into my 3 implants and will clasp into a couple of my back molars. It will be removable every night for cleaning but sturdy enough to bite food like i've never been able to before. I have many molds, and fittings to get it perfect for me. It's an appliance that hopefully will never have to be fully replaced but maybe in the far future be adjusted or repaired a little. "Real" teeth are coming finally! 

As of now I am still recovering.  I have new floating ribs in my body when I lay down flat it causes pain as the rib is sticking up more and getting caught on the backside of my incision. I have dissolvable stitches inside of me that will eventually cause the scar to flatten out and get smaller. But the pain is much less now and muscle use is increasing daily. I can open a car door again :) My nose is doing much better as well, the swelling is getting less and less each day but full recovery of it won't be for 6-12 months. Especially since we have to go back in and fix it in August. The road of recovery is pretty smooth so far! Thank you for all the prayers! 

 

It's easy to get caught up in the negatives in life, and a lot harder to find the positives when things aren't going your way. But look here at me as a toddler who had my mouth wide open and not "normal" but that didn't stop me from being absolutely happy. Sometimes I wish I could be that happy child so easily again where the fears and the trials of life wouldn't drag me down and make me stop for a moment to really think if I want to be that happy. It's incredible to me to look back at how I was and look forward at how I am now.

Even though I don't have the most perfect nose in the world, I've come a long way since I was born. I have more things to be happy about in the world than the few imperfections and large bumps in the road. What ahead isn't the best, but it's not the worst either. I just have to keep pushing forward.

Thank you to all of you who continue to pray for me and walk along side me through this journey. I couldn't do it without you and your continuous prayer.

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

-Katie