It's been a while since I last wrote and a lot has changed. I want to be as real as I can with my readers, because my life and its struggles aren't always sugar coated over.
There isn't much new about my surgeries, my nose is or should be completely healed. I had a check up with my doctor this past summer and he said everything was looking good. The only things that are a minor concern are the holes in both of my ear drums due to excessive scar tissue from ear infections. The holes are not a pressing concern, in fact it can be taken care of anytime because I can function without them being fixed. My doctor suggested I take a full year off of surgeries to give my body a rest from all the anesthesia and medications. I have chronic headaches now and my doctor thought taking a break would help my head. So this summer we had no surgeries. It was weird not having any surgeries, but at the same time it was a relief to not have any and not have to go through the whole process again. This last year was overall pretty great, experienced the first year of college, lived in a new city, a new state. I had many adventures and continued to grow. But with all great things there are challenges that come along the way. School wasn't perfect and I went through a bit of struggle and near the end of the year I decided to transfer schools and come back closer to home. In my past blogs I had always talked about how amazing my God is and how strong our relationship was. I will admit in this one that my relationship with him is no longer as strong as it used to be. My identity as a Christian is no longer what it used to be. My relationship is in a sense broken and I went through a long period of doubt and my relationship with God became slowly broken. It may be sad for some to read this as you used to know me or currently do know me. I believe everyone goes through a period of struggle and mine just happens to be now. My dad prayed that something would happen that would blow my mind, that God would reveal himself and blow me away. His prayer was answered by something amazing and completely unexpected.
In August, a lady named Rita called my uncle's house in Montana asking if they had a relative who had adopted a little girl from Vietnam. My cousin said no and hung up without thinking, but my uncle called back right away and said that my family had. He got her number and passed it on to my mom. She was then able to talk to this lady who shared her story. Her husband had served over in Vietnam and she became a part of a charity called Children of Vietnam who help families in poverty over there. This one mother and her daughter were extremely poor and asked for a toilet. This organization was able to fund for a bathroom and a cow for the family in order for them to have a source of income. This lady, Rita, and her husband went over to Vietnam in April of 2013 to see what the organization had been doing. Rita visited the woman who had asked for the toilet and met her and her 15 year old daughter. This woman told Rita about her story. She had a baby girl who was born with a cleft lip and palate that she had to give up for adoption long ago. She was terribly sad that she had lost communication with her daughter and the adoptive family. (If you haven't picked it up yet, her daughter was me!) Every year my family was required by the adoption agency to send a letter and pictures of how I was doing. My birth mom was able to receive these and see how I was doing each year. For some reason she was unable to receive anymore after 2007. She expressed to Rita how worried and sad she was being unable to hear from my family. She never directly asked Rita to look for us, but Rita felt so moved by her story that she set out to find us. Rita spent a year looking for my family and finally was able to this past August. I learned that my birth mom is still alive and that I now have a half sister who is almost 2 years younger than me. I am an older sibling. From the stories that I heard about Rita and her husband's encounter with my birth mom and half sister I am able to say with a proud heart that my birth mom is a hard working determined lady with a heart that is full of love and kindness.
Rita said that my birth mom had a photo of me hung in her house and kept every letter she ever received about me. She had pictures of my family and kept me in her thoughts daily. She deeply loved and cared for me.
My mom says this is my only "family" photo of us, because in this picture we can see that my birth mom is pregnant again with my younger sister.
My birth mom would venture in from the country and visit me every so often in the orphanage
In a previous blog about me when I was in 5th grade, I talked about how my birth mom had contacted us with a letter. We tried to write back but we never heard anything back. If you were to have asked me if I wanted to meet my birth mom any time before the night I heard about the news of my birth mom and sister I would have said no. I never wanted anything to do with her and that life over there because that wasn't who I was. I was taken out of that life and brought to this new one. I always thought all of that would complicate everything. I have no memory of her or any of my life before I was 2 so I thought searching for her and opening that door would complicate my life. I didn't know how to process the news of another family, my birth family, it was all surreal to me and still is. It sounds like a story you'd hear on tv, one of those stories that you think that will never happen to me. But the reality is...it happened to me. I can't escape that and now it's my story. I have a half sister who looks like me and never in my life had I seen another person who looked related to me, with half the same DNA as myself. It is all surreal. My family and I have decided to pursue the relationship with my birth mom and sister. We have ventured into the ultimate pen pal relationship. This whole story did blow me away to a point that I had no words. It all seemed incredibly surreal as if it was some distant story. I don't believe it will become fully real to me until the day I meet them and I do hope that day does come.
My half sister and birth mom
My story of my birth mom is life changing, literally. I know now that I have a younger sister and that my birth mom is still alive today. I have another family across the world. A family that is poverty stricken and working hard to each day. A story like this not only shows how God can work but also the simplicity of life. Money shouldn't be as big as it is to people, but rather seen as something you can use to help others. My birth mom was given a toilet, a cow, and the money to send my sister to school. Rita said my birth mom had my sister's school uniform clean and as well taken care of as she could. She valued something so simple like it was her greatest possession. Your time with the people you love should be cherished because people like my birth mom are aching to simply know if the one she loves is doing well. Life is unexpected, it has unexpected joys and sadness. The bad things that happen to us we don't always ask for. We also don't always know why they happen to us. Life shouldn't be taken lightly, each day is a joy and each day is a gift. Our relationships with others should be intentional and our time shouldn't be so selfishly held on to.
During this time my heart was hardened towards anything that would steer towards God. I want to make it clear to those who know me and love me, that this hardness did not mean my salvation was taken away. I still fully believed that I was saved and still believe that I am. I believe a time of doubt and a time where we are searching for more is healthy and normal in this walk of life with God. Last year at school I entered into a period of time where I felt as if God had turned his back on me, the key word being felt. Not that he had, but that it felt that way to me. I was questioning if all this "bad" and negativity was happening to me, where was God to intervene? He wasn't, at least it didn't seem so. I became so far from that "right" path that talking about God just frustrated me and I didn't go to church for over a month this summer. Even through all this, I knew he was still in my life. Everything in my journey said God is right there, but sometimes the circumstances in life can blind you, it did for me.
In my wandering, if you will, I've found that I'm not truly lost. As that quote says, "not all who wander are lost". Those reading this, who are avid Christians may read this and see that I hardened my heart and turned from trusting God; might draw to conclusion that I have gotten off the path and categorized me as being "lost". But I'm writing to say I am not lost. Lost is subjective to what one defines as being found, so in the Christian world is being found or saved meaning that you go to church and you pray and read the Bible every day? Sure. But are you not saved if you simply believe John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" and yet lack in the other forms of worship? I believe one is still saved. I'm also not saying that people should simply accept Jesus as our salvation and keep living life as if nothing had changed them. But I think that because I "got off the path" for a short while and had a hard heart doesn't mean I was lost because my foundation of who I am was still rooted in the salvation of Christ. In my time away from the church (I can happily say I have began attending church again in Portland and feel a revival in my life) I've found that the way I live my life shouldn't be concerned with how modern Christians live their life today. My salvation isn't measured by how much I can pray, how many Bible studies I can join, how many church services I can attend....etc. (I'm also not saying all Christians today act like this, but I've found much of my generation can get caught up in all the "Christianese" acts), My salvation is based upon my belief in Jesus Christ. Time on earth isn't dedicated to just Christian acts, but most importantly to share the gospel and in one way through loving people better. My word last year for the school year was pride and that was something I had to work on all year and this year it is Love. Sounds cliche doesn't it? I admit, it might be, but I'm being serious when I say that the Christian mission is based out of love. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his son..." or in a better way to say "In this way God loved the world that he gave his son..." The ultimate sacrifice and the whole base of Christianity is rooted from God's great love.
Even though I never wanted anything to do with my birth mom before, the greatest thing I can do to love her back is to be intentional about this new relationship. It may become complicated, but I'd rather know that I did my best to love someone who loved me so greatly that she sacrificed me from her life to give me life. We are all given only one life so what do you choose to do? How do you choose to love others? The next time you see a homeless person on the street do you choose to look at them and judge them that they could be trying to do more with their life or that all they want money for is beer? Who are we to judge when we are simply called to feed the hungry? That is love, to love the unloveable and to care for those who need it most without all the judgment. I believe as Christians we are much more than our investments in our relationships with Christ, but we are also made to invest in and love those he created. Through loving God's creation we are loving Him.
Many of you may have been expecting more about my life of surgeries and my adoption, but my salvation is the greatest part of my life and to be able to share my struggles and bring the reality of the walk with Christ to your attention is just as important as sharing my stories of my surgeries.
May you feel inspired to love more abundantly,
Katie
