Trial and Error...learning to fully have faith

It's been a little over a month since the last time I wrote, what I can say is that life has unexpected turns and as people we have to learn to adapt to them, we can get as angry as we'd like and try to analyze everything, but as a Christian I have to learn to have full faith in God and trust that everything is in his hands. It's easy to talk the talk but when it finally comes to have to walk the walk, it's much harder then expected...

Yesterday, February 23, 2012, my mom and I once again drove up to Portland. Another doctor's appointment, this one walking in expecting to be facing faze 2 of this step we've been working on since June 30, 2011. Last summer we began constructing the nasal base and the structure to place dental implants in. Inorder for these to be successful we had to grow bone into my upper jaw. It's rather fascinating thinking about how medical teams have figured out how to grow bone using blood platelets and cadavar bone. In June of 2011 I went in for surgery 9, having the titanium mesh screen and screws put into my upper jaw holding the cadavar bone and my blood platelets grafting new bone to my bone in hopes that my body would take over it and create its own. I went in for a cone scan to see the progress of my bone growth, the scan showed that it was successful, bone was growing and phase 2 was getting closer. Fast forward to January 3rd, I had gone through much discomfort and pain within the last month before this surgery. The mesh screen was pushing through my gum creating a hole and the pain was getting worse daily. January 3rd was expected to be phase 2 of this process to finally get the implants in but 2 weeks prior to that my doctor said he needed more time to accurately place the implants so we post poned. But the longer we waited the more discomfort I went through so my mom rescheduled the surgery for January 3rd to remove the "hardware", this surgery ended up being a blessing as I needed more bone added in since there was a bit of down fall on one side. I had until mid March to grow bone when my next surgery would be scheduled to place the implants in before Spring break.

Waiting in the doctors office to get my cone scan

So I had my check up yesterday to see the results of my bone growth to then schedule my surgery for next month. My doctor felt around my mouth for a little bit then decided that I needed to get another cone scan to get an accurate view of my mouth. What came next was news that shocked my mom and I, words that I wish wouldn't have to be true.

        Cone scan of my mouth, where the 4 yellow lines point is the most important part of this scan



                                     Front view of my face and the gap we are trying to fill

My doctor said there wasn't enough bone growth. The bone didn't grow even with the addition from the last surgery. I was set back another 8 months or so after just spending 8 months waiting for this bone to grow. Back to phase 1. We may not be moving forward with this until June of 2012, my doctor needs time to study the scans and create a plan to get this bone to grow...set back a year. The realization that the last 2 surgeries were practically a waste it was painful news. Then my doctor was stumped on what to do. He tried the cadavar bone powder and blood platelets twice and both attempts failed. We talked about the possible ways to try again such as taking hip bone, but that's super painful and may be too much to take from my hip, taking skull, but it would dissolve too quickly, using hip bone and cadavar bone and mixing them together, using a bone protein to enhance the growth, but hesistant to use, all these ideas but with downfalls that outweigh the possibility of doing them. As my doctor said, "it's like taking 2 steps back before we can go forward". 2 steps back that costs us thousands of dollars nearly wasted, viewed by insurance as "experimental". 2 surgeries that I had to go through the physical pain, the emotional pain, the anasthetia. Everything, it's the whole cycle run through to get us back to where we started.

My mom and I left the office with the feeling of pain and sadness. A question of why? I was and still am as I write this, devastated of the news I had heard. 2 months ago we were thinking everything was going great, the bone was growing and everything was successful. But it turned out that the scan I had done while I had the screen still in my mouth made the bone appear to be bigger than it was. The ride home was difficult as we tried to process it together, I tried so hard to fight off crying it was the feeling of defeat and the hope temporary lost. My mom was so supportive to me, she asked me to explain how I felt and what my response to the news was and my response was disappointed, hurt. Not because I have to face another surgery but because the last 2 surgeries were a waste. The hope that the bone was growing but that it wasn't. Looking back and seeing the pain and surgical expense it was to go through with these surgeries that didn't work. The realization that I wouldn't have a "normal" biting mouth for another 8 months or so. Last June when I began this step I was thinking just 8 months or so and I'll be getting teeth for the first time that fully worked. It was the hope that I held onto, what got me through. Now I'm not sure what to expect. It's hard for people to imagine what it'd be like to have their front 5 teeth missing. To have a partial that only gives you the presence of teeth and the half way job of speech. While the use of the teeth is absent. I can't bite into food, the retainer will pop out partly while talking. It's a drag but I learned to suck up and deal with it as I saw the end coming. It's all this that overwhelmed me. The whole way home from Portland this weight of disappointment the heaviness of failure the pain of what I still have to face sat upon me consuming me into silence. I once saw the end and journeyed through it until the end date came, now it's here and i'm back to where June 30, 2011 had me. It was the hardest to talk to my mom about it to hear the sympathy in her voice, the eventual tears that were shared between us as we processed it together. It's the buddy system we've always had. Through the ups and downs everything, we're a team.

I asked God why didn't you allow this to work? Why did you let it fail? Why?  But he doesn't owe me an answer. Yet I know his answer and his answer to me is simple, "it's not according to YOUR plan Katie, it's according to MINE"

Psalm 91:4- "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart"
I've learned a lot within in a day. It's not about looking at the what could haves and the negatives, but it's looking at the positives and looking at how can God take this and create it into something more. It's not just my story, and my journey and my plan. It's God's story, his journey with me, and his plan for me. I'm not alone, I just have to full faith in him. God never says that with him life is going to be easy, or dodging the pain and hurt, but that with him it's going to be possible to get through. As a Christian I have take my faith in him and apply it during times that I feel he's most far away. That's the time we draw close to one another and fully rely on him.
As one of my most favorite songs by Tenth Avenue North, Times says "The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone. I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends. It never ends."

I walk away from writing this entry seeing all that I've faced in the past 8 months splashed upon a screen as one page, just one page of this journey. 1 page in this giant book of life, yet I can look to these blank pages ahead of me and know that I don't have to write them alone. Hand in hand I'll write them with God. His plan is my story.

Jeremiah 29:11- Katie